Sen. John Fetterman dead on leather couch;, no foul play suspected

Senator John Fetterman was discovered to be deceased yesterday, when his Uber butler sought to wake him for the latest ceasefire vote.

Authorities stated that the positioning of the noose as well as the senator’s hands and genitals lead them to conclude that his death was the result of a fatal accident.

“Whether you call it asphyxibation or choking-while-choking, it’s a risky practice to engage in with a partner but quite deadly to experience alone,” said the Pennsylvania Director of Health.

"If oxygen deprivation is a crucial part of your orgasmic experience, please take the time to research best and safest practices.

“Our hardworking first responders don’t deserve to have to look at your corpse bearing handfulls of genitalia, senator or not.”