Hallmark movies have gotten popular lately at my favorite pegleg establishments. 4 of the 10 in the “featured” list are hallmark.
Last year I think we’d never see even one.
It’s because movies really suck now. We’re literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Why do movies suck now?
It’s cheaper creatively to rehash intellectual property than to budget for new creative endeavors. See hauntology.
Capitalist realism as I understand it … is more like a pervasive atmosphere, conditioning not only the production of culture but also the regulation of work and education, and acting as a kind of invisible barrier constraining thought and action. Mark Fisher
Are the hallmark ones those where a girl comes back to her hometown, a guy pisses her off at first then they fall madly in love, or the ones a girl takes a sweet roommate and she turns out to be a mass murderer?
Or both?
The latter is Lifetime.
SCENE 1
[A woman enters the room. She’s beautiful, but doesn’t know it.]
Hallmark boss: “So a anti-Trump women comes back home for Christmas, and meets a Pro-Trump man. Something something, they fall in love and the woman falls in love and forgets her hatred. I - I mean we - just need to fill in that middle step. Please, figure out what that middle step is! My wife left me and I don’t know how to cook!”
Oh, I got the set back part. She gets an ectopic pregnancy and gets real sick. He begs with the doctors, board that runs hospital, Ted Cruz, and even calls the MAGA man himself. He loses faith in his life choices of treating woman as property. He cries as his woman dies in a hospital parking lot waiting on help…
Based on a true story.
People love that true story shit.
He loses faith in his life choices of treating woman as property
That’s too unrealistic. No one would believe that
She forgets… HER hatred?
Of course. Do you really believe a trump supporter could have hatred in his heart? It couldn’t be so!
You are correct, they were born without hearts, and brains.
Hallmark: get this person a $10 million budget, we’re making a movie … hurry we’ve only got one week to release it in time for the holiday rush!!!
I have Utah on the phone, they have a snowy house and a small town available for filming, nosy neighbors included no charge.
Hallmark Boss Assistant: “Donald, you are worth 3 billion dollars, your wife never cooked, you have staff that runs your household. Now buy another wife, and move on, like a normal billionaire.”
“when I come home at night, and dinner’s not ready, I go through the roof” —Donald
Yes, Trump has always been open about his penchant for domestic violence.
I was talking about Donal Hall Sr., the owner/director of Hallmark though.
Wow how dare you? Big city career woman goes home to small town for the holidays and falls in love with her childhood sweetheart and dumps her evil fiance who worked on Christmas, big city career woman who swore off men falls in love and surprise! he’s actually the prince of a small but wealthy English-speaking country in Europe, and big city career woman goes home to small town for the holidays and saves one of the local businesses from foreclosure and falls in love with the owner who is also hot Santa are totally different stories.
You forgot the part where there is a misunderstanding 2/3 of the way through the movie and it looks like they will break up but they get back together at the end and Christmas is saved.
Oh yeah, and the misunderstanding could be solved if the leads had one 5 minute conversation.
It’s 2024. Time to swap the genders again.
You have about two months to do that, then it’s banned and you’re probably burned at the stake
What about this: Big city woman goes home from her overseas job after many years to her hometown, but is met with suspicion by the town sherrif and she is run out of town. When she once more tries to get home, she’s arrested and abused by the sherrifs deputy in the jail, when she flips out and fights her way out of the station and flees into the woods on a motorbike. The local police pursue her on foot and in helicopters, but she evades capture while subduing her pursuers. Eventually she is cornered and then trapped in an abandoned mine by the national guard. Against all odds, she escapes and steals some military hardware, determined to lay waste to the town that treated her so poorly. After blowing up a gas station, she holes up in a building, planning to fight to the death. Eventually her old boss appears and after she tells of the horrors she saw in her big city office job, he convinces her to surrender.
I picture the lead female character being played by Sylvester Stallone.
Now this is the Hallmark movie I would watch all the way through. Or, the one where Big City woman meets up with her estranged husband at the Nakatomi Plaza for his office Christmas party. After thieves take the party guests hostage, she has to use her counter-terrorism skills to rescue them and stop the robbery. Also Snape falls off a building at the end.
Just add her falling in love with (and then subsequently blowing up?) a man in a flannel shirt and I think you could talk hallmark into it.
We’ll call it Brenda: Home for the Holidays
Fuck, she does sound like a Brenda!
Sounds awesome, I can’t believe this wasn’t made yet.
I’d rather watch a back to back marathon of 1 man 1 jar and 2 girls 1 cup before I’d watch a Hallmark Christmas movie.
I used to feel this way but then a friend and I decided to get really stoned and watched one MST3K-style and made crude and snarky comments through most of it and we had fun. It works best if it’s a movie with a recognizable actor, our first one had Tiffany Amber Thiessen, and your friend(s) are quick-witted and have little to no moral compass.
That MST3K-style tactic is the reason why I’m not allowed to watch movies with my family anymore. (though I wasn’t stoned)
oh its not that bad, they have at least four. Time travel, freaky friday, girl who went to big city goes back to small home town, and too many hot guys.
But I don’t want a plot that differs from classics like Hot Frosty and Knight Before Christmas.
Where in pornhub can I find these
In the search bar.
