Since August of last year, I’ve been coming to terms with my divorce, being single, sharing custody of my two children, and starting over in a new home of my own. It wasn’t easy, and it’s been downright lonely sometimes, not having someone to talk to and share my thoughts with.
I’ve worked hard, put in the effort, and finally I came to terms with my being by myself. I thought so, at least. Then I needed some work done in my house, so I asked on NextDoor for recommendations, and you were the first to reach out to me. So I scheduled a time for you to come out to take a look at the work to be done.
I opened the door, and there you stood. You smiled at me and said hi. I kid you not when I say that my heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t believe how beautiful you were. Your eyes were so amazing. Your smile was warm and inviting. Of course, I don’t want to be “that guy” and say anything. You were there for a job after all. And we didn’t know each other.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, and you asked to call me about another job I needed done. We talked for a few hours on the phone, about more than just a job. I hate talking on the phone. But you made it easy. We talked about our failed marriages, and our kids. We talked about how we have a lot in common. I enjoyed it so much. I allowed myself to get hopeful.
But again, I didn’t want to be “that guy”, and I certainly didn’t want you to feel like my business hinged on my being attracted to you. You’ve done nothing wrong. But I can’t stop thinking about you, and hoping to find a natural opportunity to ask you to dinner. But should I? Worse yet, I may have to turn your quote down, because damn she’s expensive. I’m confused. Wouldn’t that be especially fucked up of me? It feels fucked up of me to consider it.
I feel like I do this to myself. I latch my feelings onto somebody I know I can’t be with, and I do it because it’s safer than putting myself out there in real life. I hype the person up so much in my mind, that I scare myself into believing that they would be abhorred at me if they found out. Maybe I do it because I believe deep down that I don’t deserve to be happy. That someone like her would have nothing to do with a guy like me.
This time, though, I feel it’s somehow different. I get butterflies thinking about her. I can’t remember the last time I had butterflies of any kind for someone. I genuinely feel like we have a lot in common. It feels right. And I want to deserve her. I want to be happy. What should I do?
I’m coming at you with the confidence of a complete internet stranger that is not in your situation, not in your shoes, and not in the same mindset as you.
I say that because I think I could do this right now at this time in my life, with how I currently feel, but I know absolutely, that I would not have had this level of confidence at certain points in my life - heck, even at many points in my life.
But here’s my completely ungrounded in your reality suggestion:
Figure out if you are going to go with another quote. If you are, then commit to yourself not to change your mind on that unless she offers a requote, but well… I’ll explain further down.
Call her up, and give her the rundown. For me, that would look like this - I’d make sure she had at least a few minutes to talk, and I’d say something like “I have a couple issues I’m currently trying to work through regarding this project, and I need your help.” I’d say that her quote came in a bit higher than others, and maybe even make a point to say that you know her work is worth it, but you don’t have the budget for it. If she offers to change her quote, I’d stop her, and say something like “I’m not opposed to that, but before we talk about that, I want to talk about my other issue.”
Next, I’d steer the conversation to the next thing you wanted to talk about. I’d tell her that my other problem is that I really have enjoyed working with her and I’d like to ask her on a date if she was interested, but I’m worried that asking her out might be problematic - I wouldn’t want her to feel beholden since you have a working relationship. I would be very, very clear - that no matter her response, you’ve already left her glowing online reviews, will continue to recommend her to your friends, and if she still wants to offer a revised quote, you won’t show it favoritism if she does go on a date with you.
It’s important that you impress on her that she doesn’t have to go on a date with you to get work. (You might want to say that.) You don’t want a power imbalance there. Heck, I’d even tell her it’s totally fine if she wants to end your personal/professional relationship as a result.
Good luck! I hope you find happiness.
Alright. It’s done. It’s been confessed and proposed and stated. Thank you for the advice. I don’t think I would have thought to consider the things you pointed out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go freak out a little while I wait for her to either respond or ghost me. 😊
Let us know what happens!
She responded by prefacing her response with how she is usually indecisive, but then follows it up by saying in this case it was easy and that she would like to go out sometime 😃. So now I need to figure out where to take her and when to plan the date.
Thanks again everyone for the support! You all rock!
Hell yeah that’s great news. Hope you guys have a ton of fun and really hit it off!
I’m so glad I checked back into this thread. That’s fantastic to hear!
I’m really happy for you!