Image Transcription: Comic

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[Swords DCCXXXIX: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON, by Matthew J Wills]

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Panel 1

[A sword with a brightly glowing blade. The hilt is blue and scaly, while the guard forms the shape of two yellow-eyed, green-scaled dragons consuming one another’s tails to form a circle. The pommel features a ring hole from one side to the other. At the tip of the blade are two dots and a very thin line forming a slightly smiling face.]

A SWORD THAT GLOWS BRIGHTLY WHENEVER YOU’RE HUNGRY

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Panel 2

[A sword on a wavy dark blue background. The blade is large, heavy, and only sharp on one side. There is a large spike like a dorsal fin bending backwards from the blunt edge, two divets like side fins on the flat, four divets along the sharp edge, and a large crack digging into the tip, reminiscent of a toothy maw. The hilt is dark brown, seemingly bound with leather straps.]

A SWORD THAT ONLY WORKS UNDER WATER

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Panel 3

[A sword with a blade enclosed in pink-and-white striped wax, like a decorative candle. The hilt is blue, with a crossguard that curls up towards the blade. At the tip of the blade, the wax is melted away, revealing a dark, sharp interior like the wick of a candle, and more reminiscent of a wooden stake than of a blade. This tip is on fire, and the fire blazes forwards to form a more conventional sword-tip shape.]

A FIRE SWORD THAT ONLY LASTS FOR A SINGLE DAY

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Panel 4

[A jagged, decrepit sword, curved in multiple places. The tip curves forwards then hooks back again like the tip of a khopesh, with two distinct, sudden corners to change angle instead of a gradual curve.

Beneath the tip, the blade is partially enclosed in a wooden guard of some sort. There is a spiral marking leading into a line on the upper part of this, and the wood is unenclosed at the front until the very bottom of the blade, where it closes over and curves to a very thin point before curving back to meet the hilt.

From the spot just above the hilt, grey hair like a beard emerges from the wood. The hilt is wrapped in white strapping of some sort, and the pommel has a ring hole from one side to the other, and three spikes, one on the bottom, two on the sides.]

A SWORD THAT STEALS THE VICTIMS AGE AND ADDS IT TO THE WIELDERS

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I’d get the fourth sword, then I’d take a regular dagger, and cut open a pregnant cow or cat or dog or something. I’d then slay all the kittens or calves or puppies with my new sword. Since the animals are not born yet, they would have an age of less than 0. When we add their negative age to mine, I’d become weeks or even months younger per kill! With this I will have everlasting youth!

Glowing hunger sword.

Depending on if it glows when I feel hunger, or actually am hungry. Either I’ve got a permanent light source, or can finally tell the difference and might lose some weight. Win either way.

Bruh, the first one. Then I’ll never have to second guess my stomach ever again. Plus I could finally, freely finagle free food from folks.

Edit: Alliteration.

The light sword is the only good option.

Swords are pretty useless underwater because water is much denser then air.
The candle sword, and sword that kills you are self explanatory.

Just use it as a light source when you’re hungry, and if you need to be stealthy bring some snacks.

Number 4 doesn’t say it has to kill to work.

Have a young person hold it who wants to escape the oppression of youth.

Then I cut myself on it, somewhere mid forearm where it doesn’t hurt as much, and hold it there.

They get “old enough” to be treated like a person, I get back in my prime, everybody wins.

I’ll take the sword that glows brightly while hungry. Given I always feel hungry, I’ll blind everyone then stab them.

So 3 useless options or one evil but extremely useful option?