I found this article some days ago and I think it’s really good. It gives a broad overview, answers typical questions and points out typical prejudice about bisexuality. I think it might be really helpful to someone who is just trying to figure themself out. Maybe we could put it in the sidebar?
The archive link seems to be broken, so here is the article:
Am I Bisexual? by Jamie Arpin-Ricci
As long as I have been writing about bisexuality, I have been receiving messages from people all over the world asking much the same questions: “How do I know if I’m bisexual?”
After dissuading them from trusting a BuzzFeed quiz result, I often find that a conversation about assumptions, misunderstandings, and fear happens and is enough to bring clarity to this question. (And more often than not, when you are genuinely asking yourself this question, the answer is fairly likely to be “yes”).
Ultimately, deciding to identify as bisexual (or not) is entirely your decision. There is no panel of judges. There are no qualifying tests. You do NOT have to score above 50% on a queer-o-meter to gain entry. No, instead, all that is required is for your to decide if it seems right for you. This article is merely a tool designed to help you bring clarity. What Is Bisexuality?
While this may seem like a straightforward question (no pun intended), all too often the topic of definitions can be more complicated and unhelpful than you might think. For example, if we were to rely on an online dictionary (such as the Oxford Languages one), we would get something like this: “the quality or characteristic of being sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender.”
Like any dictionary definition (especially an online one), it is very concise. And that’s part of the problem. Like most things important, a single, short sentence will be hard-pressed to get the job done. And in the case of this particular example, it has the added problem of defining bisexuality in the negative (i.e. “not exclusively). So, while a starting point for understanding, such definitions are not nearly enough.
Then, of course, we have to acknowledge that different terms mean different things to different people. Personal experience, cultural context, and even language will shape how one defines and understands bisexuality. Therefore, it is important to note that what I share here is just my take and in no way lays claim to having it all worked out.
After years of hearing many different definitions (such as it meaning: attraction to men and women; attraction to all sexes or genders; love beyond gender, etc.), I have come to most commonly use the explanation put forward by Robyn Ochs, a bisexual activist:
The other thing that I have found helpful is the idea of bisexuality being an umbrella concept under which a diverse expression of identities can be found. I first became aware of this concept through the writings of Shiri Eisner, a bisexual activist and author of the critically important book “Bi: Note for a Bisexual Revolution”. Eisner provided these two images to demonstrate.
While I won’t unpack it in detail here, you might learn a great deal by researching some of the words listed, as well as checking out Eisner’s work.
All of this to say, bisexuality is a lot of things with room for different experiences, understandings, and expressions. If you can find yourself in that mix and the term bisexual fits, then perhaps that answers your question.
But Wait!
Ok, so it may not be all that easy. In all likelihood, you still have lots of questions. All too often, many of the questions people have are rooted in myths and misunderstandings about bisexuality that complicate matters. So let’s take a look at a few of these questions and unpack them:
“Doesn’t the ‘bi’ in ‘bisexual’ mean binary, meaning only men and women?”
While the prefix “bi-” does mean two, it would be incorrect to interpret this to mean that bisexual folks are only attracted to two genders. First of all, language is fluid (and English is clumsy), so applying a literal meaning to every prefix and suffix would be problematic in many areas. However, for many of us, the “bi” actually refers to a different “two”. As Robyn Ochs puts it:
Another important reason that I use the term “bisexual” is because of its connection to the historical bisexual (and wider LGBTQ+) movement(s). This is to honour the bisexual folks who have done so much for us under that title. It is also about ease of communication. While I can (and often do) identify as pansexual, omnisexual, and queer, in some contexts where bisexual is more familiar, it is a helpful starting point.
So, again, referring back to Robyn Ochs’s explanation of bisexuality, there is no binary limit to attraction as many falsely claim.
“Isn’t being bisexual just a stopping point before being fully gay/lesbian?”
Unfortunately, this is a myth that seems to be particularly prevalent among LGBTQ+ folks (though far more so among gay and lesbian folks in particular). It is not entirely uncommon for some gay/lesbian folks, still wrestling with coming to, to identify as bisexual before coming to accept their more authentic sense of self. For many of them, this is done without any intention to misrepresent and is often done out of fear, something that is entirely understandable.
The problem comes, however, when such experiences are projected onto others as universal. The vast majority of people who identify as bisexual maintain that identity. And of the small minority who do change how they identify, many reflect an honest shift in self-awareness and/or liberty. Sadly, there is a small minority of people who change how they identify, not out of authentic understanding, but under pressure from the queer community itself (see my piece on bisexual denial here).
This is a dangerous myth because the very existence of bisexuality as a genuine reality is still a battle that we are fighting. Even as we make progress in understanding, too little time and resources are being spent on bisexuality (and what little is expended is often focused on merely proving our existence). Bisexuality is very real, valid, and, frankly, amazing.
“Isn’t everyone a little bit bisexual?”
Most people, regardless of sexual orientation, can potentially find people of all genders attractive. Further, it is true that labels such as “bisexual”, “gay”, “straight”, or otherwise are broad and generalized, not able to encompass the diversity, flexibility, and fluidity of human experience. And many people have gone through a phase of “bi-curiosity”, where they have explored their sexuality beyond their presumed orientation.
Yet none of these points negates the legitimacy and distinctiveness of the bisexual experience and identity. Our relative inability to acknowledge attractiveness in people without sexualizing it is its own problem in our culture. And most of us accept the limitations of language and recognize that life is more complex than that. And a passing curiosity does not constitute a capacity for genuine and ongoing relationship.
The fact is this: If “everyone is a little bit bisexual”, then it would be equally true to nobody is gay, straight, or otherwise. However, most of us wouldn’t go that far. Why? Because the logic is almost exclusively applied to bisexuality and is an expression of bisexual erasure. And in some cases, when connected to the fetishization of bisexual women, it is an outcropping of misogyny and patriarchy. This kind of mentality is deeply harmful and must be resisted.
“You’ve never been with someone of the same gender? You aren’t really bisexual then.”
This kind of expectation that we must prove our queerness by having sex is another example of double-standard. After all, when a terrified teenage boy bravely comes out as gay for the first time, do we demand that they have sex before claiming that label? And if by some sad accident, he died before ever having sex with another man, would we deny he was ever really gay? Of course not!
We recognize that sexual orientation is not something that is proven or validated by acting on it, but something intrinsic to our personhood, something to be honoured and celebrated. If, when, and how a bisexual person appropriately explores their sexuality with a partner is their business alone. In no way does it speak to the validity of their identity.