I found this article some days ago and I think it’s really good. It gives a broad overview, answers typical questions and points out typical prejudice about bisexuality. I think it might be really helpful to someone who is just trying to figure themself out. Maybe we could put it in the sidebar?
But Wait!
Ok, so it may not be all that easy. In all likelihood, you still have lots of questions. All too often, many of the questions people have are rooted in myths and misunderstandings about bisexuality that complicate matters. So let’s take a look at a few of these questions and unpack them:
“Doesn’t the ‘bi’ in ‘bisexual’ mean binary, meaning only men and women?”
While the prefix “bi-” does mean two, it would be incorrect to interpret this to mean that bisexual folks are only attracted to two genders. First of all, language is fluid (and English is clumsy), so applying a literal meaning to every prefix and suffix would be problematic in many areas. However, for many of us, the “bi” actually refers to a different “two”. As Robyn Ochs puts it:
Another important reason that I use the term “bisexual” is because of its connection to the historical bisexual (and wider LGBTQ+) movement(s). This is to honour the bisexual folks who have done so much for us under that title. It is also about ease of communication. While I can (and often do) identify as pansexual, omnisexual, and queer, in some contexts where bisexual is more familiar, it is a helpful starting point.
So, again, referring back to Robyn Ochs’s explanation of bisexuality, there is no binary limit to attraction as many falsely claim.
“Isn’t being bisexual just a stopping point before being fully gay/lesbian?”
Unfortunately, this is a myth that seems to be particularly prevalent among LGBTQ+ folks (though far more so among gay and lesbian folks in particular). It is not entirely uncommon for some gay/lesbian folks, still wrestling with coming to, to identify as bisexual before coming to accept their more authentic sense of self. For many of them, this is done without any intention to misrepresent and is often done out of fear, something that is entirely understandable.
The problem comes, however, when such experiences are projected onto others as universal. The vast majority of people who identify as bisexual maintain that identity. And of the small minority who do change how they identify, many reflect an honest shift in self-awareness and/or liberty. Sadly, there is a small minority of people who change how they identify, not out of authentic understanding, but under pressure from the queer community itself (see my piece on bisexual denial here).
This is a dangerous myth because the very existence of bisexuality as a genuine reality is still a battle that we are fighting. Even as we make progress in understanding, too little time and resources are being spent on bisexuality (and what little is expended is often focused on merely proving our existence). Bisexuality is very real, valid, and, frankly, amazing.
“Isn’t everyone a little bit bisexual?”
Most people, regardless of sexual orientation, can potentially find people of all genders attractive. Further, it is true that labels such as “bisexual”, “gay”, “straight”, or otherwise are broad and generalized, not able to encompass the diversity, flexibility, and fluidity of human experience. And many people have gone through a phase of “bi-curiosity”, where they have explored their sexuality beyond their presumed orientation.
Yet none of these points negates the legitimacy and distinctiveness of the bisexual experience and identity. Our relative inability to acknowledge attractiveness in people without sexualizing it is its own problem in our culture. And most of us accept the limitations of language and recognize that life is more complex than that. And a passing curiosity does not constitute a capacity for genuine and ongoing relationship.
The fact is this: If “everyone is a little bit bisexual”, then it would be equally true to nobody is gay, straight, or otherwise. However, most of us wouldn’t go that far. Why? Because the logic is almost exclusively applied to bisexuality and is an expression of bisexual erasure. And in some cases, when connected to the fetishization of bisexual women, it is an outcropping of misogyny and patriarchy. This kind of mentality is deeply harmful and must be resisted.
“You’ve never been with someone of the same gender? You aren’t really bisexual then.”
This kind of expectation that we must prove our queerness by having sex is another example of double-standard. After all, when a terrified teenage boy bravely comes out as gay for the first time, do we demand that they have sex before claiming that label? And if by some sad accident, he died before ever having sex with another man, would we deny he was ever really gay? Of course not!
We recognize that sexual orientation is not something that is proven or validated by acting on it, but something intrinsic to our personhood, something to be honoured and celebrated. If, when, and how a bisexual person appropriately explores their sexuality with a partner is their business alone. In no way does it speak to the validity of their identity.