Official ActBlue communication:

Re: Where did all of our money go?

We have reports that a man that looks identical to this: except wearing a pair of Groucho Marx glasses known only as “Rachel Jake” walked into the ActBlue headquarters shortly after Joe R Biden formally stepped out of the running for the 2024 election.

“Rachel” was immediately given a top level job with maximum security clearance because he claimed to be an apolitical undecided voter and could speak on behalf of all undecided voters. The man seemed extremely surprised when given a keycard with access to the vault where we keep all of the Democratic Party’s donations in cash as well as a press conference with other heads of ActBlue about the Kamala 2024 campaign. However, when asked “Ok then, what should Kamala’s campaign be about?”, he paused for several moments before exclaiming “Oh, uhh I dunno, ask Liz, she normally has a plan for these things, I didn’t think I’d get this far”. When pressed about which “Liz” he was referring to, “Rachel” hesitated for a few more moments before replying “Uhh… Liz… Cheney… Yes. That Liz. Liz Cheney. We should refocus all our efforts into getting Liz Cheney’s endorsement”.

The man was later seen quickly exiting the ActBlue headquarters loading up overflowing duffel bags of cash into the back of an unmarked white van. When approached and questioned about his identity, the driver of the van only identified himself as “Uhh… Old… Chomsky”

Neither men nor the money were ever seen again.

So for those reasons, we are asking you to donate now to ActBlue to save democracy again.

“I’ve run campaigns for Al Gore, John Kerry, and Hillary Clinton! And by gum it put them on the map!”

Also, it’s probably crossing a line or two, but the urge to rework the monorail song into the genocide song is very real. I mean the syllables line up and everything

Slimmy slimmy ya slimmy yo slimmy yay