This sounds like a tough situation. From what you’ve described, the way this person is treating you lacks any trace of care or respect. You deserve better. From anyone you interact with, but especially from anyone that wants to be intimate with you (in any sense of the word). I’m concerned that you’re still talking to them, let alone wavering on whether to break up with them.

At the risk of being a bit harsh, I wonder if this song applies? I share this only because sometimes it’s easier to see from the outside how abusive a relationship has become. I’ve you’re feeling delicate, maybe wait until you’re feeling a bit more robust before you listen.

Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk?

People with a narcissistic streak are attracted to anyone with weakened personal boundaries. This is often the case with those of us who grow up with undiagnosed ADHD, and other forms of neurodivergence. Because we spend our formative years with a neurotypical-dominated world constantly gaslighting us. We’re taught to distrust our perceptions; of what’s normal for us, what works for us, and so on.

Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?

Two things; self love, personal boundaries.

It’s an ongoing journey. Life traumas often tip me back into self-loathing and letting other people push me around. But I keep working on accepting myself, warts and all, and reminding myself that I don’t need to be perfect to deserve love, let alone basic care and respect. I keep working on saying “no” when that’s the right answer for me, even if other people get upset that I don’t say “yes”.

There’s a book by Dr. Allan Mallinger called ‘Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control’. I try to remember to reread this book every few years. I found this really helpful, both for understanding my own obsessive people-pleasing. As well as being more compassionate towards others when they’re stuck in obsessive behaviour, without sacrificing my own wellbeing trying to “fix” things for them. Which might help in dealing with this person you’re struggling to break up with.

Another book I’ve found really helpful for my journey towards self-acceptance is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle’s prose is gentle but never pandering. Often confusing, but always in ways that open space for deeper reflection. Each time I read it, I always follow the suggestion to put the book down and come back to it later, whenever one of the little pause symbols appears. Taking some time to absorb each section and observe my mind’s reactions to it, and whether that conflicts with or resonates with my more intuitive responses.

This is from a month ago, so I hope you’re feeling better now.

I’ve been going through a similar experience, on and off over the last couple of weeks, and I really resonate with this bit;

I don’t even really mind all this physical pain and discomfort. The thing that bothers me the most is that I’m completely useless. Unable to think properly apart from a few moments during the day

It sounds like you got much sicker than I have. But it’s still having a crippling effect on my executive functioning . I’ve accomplished almost nothing for a couple of weeks, and I’m meant to be preparing for a live concert this weekend, and then a 2-3 month trip away in a couple of weeks : /

Can’t believe nobody has mentioned Wag the Dog (1997), The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009), or Sorry to Bother You (2018).

It’s a classic, for sure. From what I’ve read, it was Sam Neill’s performance in The Quiet Earth that brought him to the attention of Hollywood casting folks, leading to his starring role in the original Jurassic Park.

Is there a tldr?

Listening to the album only takes about half an hour.

I just think it’s interesting that most people remember Chumbawumba for Tubthumping being used by sports shows and populist politicians and assume they’re yet another naff pop band. As these liner notes demonstrate, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

So many great movies listed here, but only one kiwi movie; Once Were Warriors. Unless you count Lord of the Rings, which was indeed made here, but not really exactly a kiwi movie. Here’s a few I reckon are worth checking out, a mix of comedy, fantasy, sci-fi and biopic, with at least one film from each of the last 5 decades;

• Goodbye Pork Pie (the 1981 original, I haven’t seen the 2017 remake Pork Pie directed by his son)
• Came A Hot Friday (1985, so underrated compared to the one above)
• The Quiet Earth (1985, based on the 1981 novel of the same name)
• The Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey (1988, epically weird, in a Fisher King kind of way)
• Heavenly Creatures (1994, Peter Jackson’s first “serious” film, after his splatter comedies Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles and Braindead. Trivia: I’m in this for about 3 seconds …)
• Whale Rider (2002)
• The World’s Fastest Indian (2005)
• Eagle vs. Shark (2007)
• Hunt for the Wilderpeople (2016)
• The Dead Lands (2014, notable for being entirely in Te Reo Māori, and featuring some mean Māori martials arts)
• The Dark Horse (2014)
• Muru (2022, loosely based on the events of the 2008 Operation 8 raids)
• Ka Whawhai Tonu (2024, also has a lot of Te Reo spoken)

Chumbawumba original Tubthumper liner notes, continued;

SCAPEGOAT At the height of apartheid there were more black men in British jails than there were in jails in South Africa. Britain’s mucky colonial past lives on, in the mistrust of anybody who isn’t a whiter shade of pale - the State still institutionalises racism knowing that when the Òblack ghettosÓ explode then white society can tell itself that its fear of Òthe otherÓ is justified… +

“There has always been racism. But it developed as a leading principle of thought and perception in the context of colonialism. That’s understandable. When you have your boot on someone’s neck, you have to justify it. The justification has to be their depravity. It’s very striking to see this in the case of people who aren’t very different from one another. Take a look at the British conquest of Ireland, the earliest of the Western colonial conquests. It was described in the same terms as the conquest of Africa. The Irish were a different race. They weren’t human. They weren’t like us. We had to crush and destroy them. No. It has to do with conquest, with oppression. If you’re robbing somebody, oppressing them, dictating their lives, it’s a very rare person who can say: “Look, I’m a monster. I’m doing this for my own good.” Even Himmler didn’t say that. A standard technique of belief formation goes along with oppression, whether it’s throwing them in gas chambers or charging them too much at a corner store, or anything in between. The standard reaction is to say: ‘It’s their depravity. That’s why I’m doing it. Maybe I’m even doing them good.’ If it’s their depravity, there’s got to be something about them that makes them different from me. What’s different about them will be whatever you can find.” Noam Chomsky +

“Prejudice, which sees what it pleases, cannot see what is plain.” Aubrey T. de Vere +

"Detroit was almost as far north as we ever went, but it was still full of crackers and I was always uneasy. One night Chuck Peterson asked me to go with him to a little backstage bar on the corner and have a drink, but I didn’t want to go for the same old reason. But he insisted, and so we did. In a matter of minutes some woman at the bar piped out that she wasn’t going to drink in the place if that nigger stood there, making it clear she meant me. Chuck wanted to answer back, but I talked him out of it and we went on to finish our drink. The next thing we knew a man came over and stared after Chuck. ‘What the hell’s going on?’ he said. ‘A man can’t bring his wife in a bar any more without you tramp white men bringing a nigger woman in.’ Chuck wouldn’t stand for that, but before he knew it, this guy and a couple more were on him, beating him and kicking him. While everyone else stood around with their mouths open, this guy kept kicking Chuck in the mouth and saying, ‘I’ll fix it so you don’t play trumpet tonight.’ Lady Sings The Blues, Billie Holiday (with William Duff) +

“The mind of the bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you pour upon it, the more it will contract.” Oliver Wendell Holmes +

“As long as the world shall last there will be wrongs, and if no man objected and no man rebelled, those wrongs would last forever.” Clarence Darrow +

“Beware prejudices. They are like rats, and men’s minds are like traps; prejudices get in easily, but it is doubtful if they ever get out.” Lord Jeffrey +

“Scotland Yard’s Immigration Unit burst into Joy Gardiner’s London flat at 7 am on the 28th July, 1993. They had a deportation order. Joy Gardiner was bound and gagged by the officers. They wrapped 13 feet of surgical tape seven times round Mrs Gardiner’s head. Unsurprisingly, she went into a coma from which she never recovered. The ‘official’ cause of death was suffocation. Mrs Gardiner had overstayed a six month visa and the Home Office wanted her deported back to Jamaica. She had no legal aid present when the immigration unit raided. The Home Office later admitted that the deportation order was timed so that it arrived at her solicitor’s office on the morning of the deportation. They’d deliberately fixed things so that Mrs Gardiner would be caught unawares by the raid. The government refused to launch a public enquiry into Mrs Gardiner’s death. Three officers were charged with ‘unlawfully killing’ Mrs Gardiner; during the trial the judge stressed that: “the case has no political or racial aspect.” On July 12, 1995, almost two years after Mrs Gardiner’s death, the Police Complaints Authority confirmed that the three Met Officers acquitted of ‘Unlawful Killing’ would NOT face disciplinary charges.” Northern Star, 1995

today, more users just means more cost

Not if they’re setting up their own servers. This kind of horizontal growth is the healthiest way to grow a federated network, and something we can do that centralised platforms can’t.

The mod tools are really lackluster currently. And that was a big reason people wanted to leave Reddit

Fair point. The same was said of Mastodon many moons ago. A lot of people put a lot of time and energy into detailed feature requests, describing the problem to be solved, and exactly how their proposed solution would work.

Given that I’ve also seen the same complaint about apps in other federated networks like matrix, maybe what’s needed is a general solution? A website where experienced mods describe the problems they strike, and how social software developers could help them with mod features.

Labour governing alone have been weak tea. We all want a change of government. I’m just hoping enough of the people who want wealth taxes, guaranteed minimum income, and properly funded public services, turn up to vote in sufficient numbers to get the change of government we actually need. Rather than the one that wants to drag the country back to the late 1980s/ early 1990s, like the past few decades never happened…

One of my favourite quick meals is chucking a big potato in the microwave (4 mins each side, give or take), and then topping it with whatever is handy. Eg Baked beans, savoury yeast, spring onions, and unflavoured coconut yoghurt as a sour cream. I usually chuck a quick salad together on the side, but you guys could do mixed frozen veges instead.