Kolibri [she/her]

It is very upsetting to see him put his large bottle of alcohol in the fridge.

I woke up earlier today, to my dad passed out on his chair, like always. But he made me think about how like. Me and my dad never do anything. Either he’s too busy getting drunk, or that he’d just rather go do stuff with other people. Since he hangs out with his friends and one of my siblings. Where I kind of just feel in the background in lots of ways.

And thinking of that made me think about my mom. At least with her she wanted to do stuff with me, unlike my dad. Despite how complicated it was with her at times. Maybe this is silly but I use to help my mom with groceries, but I generally kind of liked it since I liked talking to my mom and we kind of just looked forward to those trips. Well before her health started to decline, but we also just go to other places to after that. Sort of just getting outside and such. Those were really nice. At least until like, she couldn’t do those anymore. But besides that we do stuff like movie nights and that. Just another nice thing to is like, I could talk to her about my issues with my dad. And she understood, since like she left him because of his drinking. Besides going to her place also meant I could get space away from my dad. Also like my dad wouldn’t question it or anything either.

Besides like, at least I could talk to my mom to and she generally understood me. As in like physically talking because I have trouble speaking. Not to surprising since like she would sometimes help me with speech therapy stuff when I use to see a speech therapist in the past. It really hurts in a lot having like, just my dad to be one last person who generally can understand when I speak.

Just I don’t know. In a way there kind of an anger at my dad some more. My mom also drank a lot like my dad when I was born. but unlike my dad, she manage to stop drinking. However like, my dad is trying to quit at least, but only within the last two years. But even then, he doesn’t really bother trying to get professional help regarding it. And he needs it. I don’t know why he keeps thinking he can just keep brute forcing it or whatever since clearly it’s not working. Sometimes it just feels like to me, he just does tries to stop drinking to appease me or some of my extended family, otherwise he would be happy to keep drinking. But maybe that a distortion of thought on my end and unfair judgement.

Hard not to think that way since like when I confronted him on his drinking two years ago he kicked me out of his house for like a week or two. Hard to also not think that way when he got angry at me for talking about his drinking, as if it meant to be a secret. Hard not to feel that way when there times when it doesn’t feel like he cares much for me at all. I remember telling him that I’m depressed and he acted surprised because he thought my depression and stuff just magically went away! Hard not to feel that way when there time’s he misgenders me, mainly when he drunk. Hard not to feel that way when we never do anything but he all the more willing to drop his plans to go hang out with some friend or someone else. Hard not to feel that way, when I told him how I wanted to die one time and he just ignored it. Meanwhile he acts like I’m fine at times and that I’m gonna be fine! hehehe

also my dad is killing me by constantly keeping the windows shut in the house. It’s hot, open the windows! I already told him how he should. But like, last summer, and the many summer’s before he open the windows. But this summer?! Windows apparently are meant to be kept shut during summer with no window fans going. And why! It’s hot inside. Like I understand if it was too hot outside, but it isn’t! It’s warmer inside than it is outside. And aaaah. Why does he keep doing this? Last winter it was him keeping heater too low where it got to below 55f and even under 50f at times inside the house.