Months ago, I contacted my local PSL chapter wanting to join and interviewed with a member. They kept me updated about their upcoming events for a time but ultimately I never showed up to anything and they (understandably) stopped contacting me.
I kept telling myself this time was going to be different and that I’d meet up with them and finally start doing the praxis thing. I got all pumped up in the morning but when it came time to physically leave my apartment, I panicked and couldn’t do it.
I was raised by narcissists. It’s been hammered into me since birth to not speak up because my opinions don’t matter. Because of this I am a very reclusive and quiet person and take forever to open up to anyone. And I don’t usually post on any social media. I hate being in the spotlight. It’s taking some real effort and I mean like herculean to even type this and ask for help.
How the hell am I supposed to overcome this? Besides and in addition to going to therapy? Because I do want to join and contribute.
I just don’t feel adequate. I feel like I let not only myself down but every student and worker out there with some actual skin in this movement down.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Y’all are wonderful people <3
Doing public action stuff is kinda like going to the gym. It’s great for you on multiple levels when you do it, but doesn’t really hurt when you don’t. I’d suggest you check out a smaller thing first, maybe a reading club or a local meeting. That way you can meet the people you’d be protesting with, maybe even link up and go together next time. But just the vibes of being around like-minded people are very inspiring and motivating.
Not going to the gym can hurt you in the long run if you don’t exercise though.
It’s a good analogy because of that actually. It’s also like the gym in that before you start going you probably overthink it and avoid it because it seems difficult but once you start going then you can get into the flow and it feels natural.
Second bunbun’s idea. Meet in smaller groups and with lower stakes. My org regularly does social meets that are just like hanging out at a bar or cafe or going to a movie.
It has happened to me before, a few times. I don’t have a magical remedy for it, my only coping mechanism is that if it goes badly then it’s just people I’ll never come across again or would otherwise just be unable to recognize me after a while (it may sound stupid but it’s the only thing that gives me courage). That and getting prepared beforehand as if I was going (regardless of my feelings towards actually heading out), since I kinda feel it’d be a waste to spend time preparing and then not going.
Might not hurt to let them know that you’ve got a lot of anxiety about attending protests and see if there are other things you can do.
Hell, they may have their shit together enough that they’ve got a decent idea of how long an action will take and at what points things are going to get rough. You could go to the protest during the less hectic parts with the group where everybody knows before hand who all needs to bounce before things get too rough.
Hopefully they can be cool with helping you through baby steps.
For events where I need to speak or interact with people who are in opposition against me and the movement, I have given myself a lot of courage by wanting to make them uncomfortable and putting Zionazis and Zionazi sympathizers in the spotlight. I’m not the weird one for opposing genocide.
I started by being deathly shy and not giving a single flyer to anyone, and now I am starting to get the hang of talking to strangers (still awkwardly). Just take baby steps and be persistent. You’ll get there. I feel so good when I am productive and in solidarity with comrades during a protest. It’s totally worth the herculean effort for this alone as it greatly helps your self-esteem and mental health.
