Please be kind as this topic is a pain point for me. I’m feeling the pressure of finding my significant other because I’m at an age where it seems like everyone in my social media feed is getting engaged, married, or having kids. The issue is I have a huge transition coming up and will have to move in a few months to a place that is a few hours away by car. I will have a lot more free time soon before moving, but then after I’ve moved to the new location I will be extremely busy and worry that I won’t be able to sustain a relationship, let alone a long distance one. However, I am very aware that the clock is ticking and something else to consider is that I need to rely heavily on dating apps currently, whereas there would likely be more potential suitors where I’m headed to. What if I do find the right person during this seemingly short window of time? What if we could make the long distance work or he wanted to move with me? Or do you think it is smarter and there is more potential for me to meet someone at the new location after getting situated? Any advice or suggestions are welcome. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your input. So sorry to hear what you’ve had to go through! It really puts everything into perspective and I hope you are doing better each day. You seem like a very strong person who can hold his own without feeling the need for a partner the way I feel due to societal pressures, and I respect that.
A lot to think about and reflect on, I appreciate it. For the question in your comment, is it essentially asking if I would date someone who asked me to do long distance in the event the roles were reversed? Or was it more like would I proceed with the long distance relationship if I convinced myself to try for it and asked the other person if they wanted to do that with me?
The question is directed at you to your inner self. I am saying try to step outside of your inner voice's first person consciousness; like you are the objective third person narrator of your life and interactions with others. From this perspective, you can see many things more clearly. This region of the mind is the location of "hindsight is twenty twenty."
None of us can objectively enter this third person perspective in the present or the future easily. In my mind I can picture something like a computer game. It could be Mario, Zelda, Warcraft; any game where the player controls the character from a third person perspective.
Once you have this image in your mind; yourself on a screen in a game, it is not much more of an abstraction to change characters in the game. Now, in the game you write the narrative of your ideal partner; the person you are hoping this meet. Put yourself into the mind of that character like you’ve been playing as them in this game of life every day for years. What are your goals, where are you at in life, what do you want and need out of that relationship, etc.; become them in abstract within your mind.
Now, insert an encounter between the ideal partner you are playing and your inner self in this game. You hit it off well and enjoy spending time together. After a few casual dates, things evolve into feelings. Your game character gets to the point of infatuated addiction when suddenly the opposing character tells you that they have plans to leave the area, and that they had known about this all along.
I can’t continue this story for you without inserting my biases (more than I already have). Only you can answer if this kind of situation would bother you in practice. I am telling you that, the only way to know what is right or wrong for you, is if you can be objectively honest with yourself and assess the situation from a third person narrative perspective. If you can step back and say, “if someone did this to me, it would not bother me at all” then go ahead and do it. If the opposite is true, you will feel guilty in the end because your emotions and logic are in conflict. That inner conflict will eventually manifest as an external issue, likely through a mechanism called cognitive dissonance until it is resolved.
I had a particularly hard time with the feelings you have mentioned; feeling that need to be in a relationship. It was more of an issue when I was in my early to mid twenties (in my late 30’s now). I think a lot of that feeling of need is the withdraw that accompanies shifting from life in school to adult life. I really wish someone had been able to tell me that humans are not cognitively fully formed until age 25 when the prefrontal cortex is fully formed. That is one factor, while introversion and extraversion are another major contributor. I’m introverted, so it is easier for me to be independent. I still have social needs, but I can fill those with places like here. Anyways, in retrospect, the person I was in my early to mid twenties, the one that thought he needed a relationship to be happy, he didn’t actually know himself very well. He was looking for himself in the wrong places. The things he learned that allowed him to mature and grow were many, but some were, an enjoyable daily exercise routine, a regular reading habit, and allowing his curiosity to run wild into interests.
I could spend hours writing about that journey, but in a sentence, this is where I found myself and who I really am. The growth that came from this chapter of my life was immense and I am so glad that I wasn’t struggling through that with someone else that may have had a shorter book or some different chapters in life. What I’m trying to say is that, you may find yourself in a similar vain if you take the time to get to know yourself.
Everything in life is just brain chemistry. In other words, everything about the human experience is a managed addiction. From the food you eat, to your circadian rhythm, to work, play, cleaning, reading, and relationships, it is all fundamentally a managed addiction. Your metabolic rate and its day to day average consistency will determine a lot about how you feel. If you engage in an endurance exercise daily, it will largely remove several inconsistencies related to what when and how you eat and sleep. This will balance hormones and becomes a major endorphin source. For me it was cycling, and still is in limited form. That will give you the emotional independence you need in order to explore yourself more. It takes 2 months to work your way into a solid routine that will then slowly shift and become harder to quit than it is to continue.
You do you. I’m just telling you what worked for me and explaining it like I am talking to my former self, and assuming you are of a similar age and mind. Those are big assumptions, so sorry if they miss the mark.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, it really means a lot. I like the analogy very much and will remember that. It was the first time I heard this analogy and it is refreshing to think from new perspectives.