Not looking for pity. But if you are having an awful December holiday, you aren’t alone. This may be a chance to unload. I’ll start.
My apt was flooded with rain 4 days ago, at ground level. For 4 days, my studio apt, carpet has been soaking wet, footsteps squishing, like stepping in a puddle. Property management wont do anything, hope I can talk sense into them before the floorboards rot and cave in.
You? It’s OK, you’re not alone.
My partner made a suicide attempt Monday night. We had been fighting, and ended up going to different rooms to cool down.
I came SO close to waking up the next morning, finding her in the living room, and realizing the last thing I had said to her was some stupid, petty comment.
We’re both ok physically. But honestly… Neither of us is doing great emotionally. I feel so powerless. I’ve been watching her mental health crumble for months, wracking my brain for anything I should do differently. Any possible way I can help. Instead I just make things worse at every turn. I can’t help but feel like drove the love of my life to suicide, and even now that her attempt failed I don’t know how I can be better.
She says it’s not my fault. She says a lot of things. But of course she doesn’t want me to blame myself right? She loves the absolute fuck out of me. I don’t know. I still can’t convince myself I’m not chiefly to blame.
I know the feeling of powerlessness. I used to think that it was a good feeling because I could finally not care. But after seeing someone close to me in so much pain, I realize it is never that simple.
Ultimately, the powerlessness feels like it’s crushing your soul.
I wish you the best and hope both you and your partner find a healthy way forward that makes you both happy.