People used to “socialize” in person. We had nightclubs, bars, parties, dances. Young people gathered and met—in person. That doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Why?? The allure of nightclubs was live bands… too expensive now. Bars?… too expensive now outside of special occasions. Dances? Not sure what happened there… too expensive to rent a hall and hire music? And parties? Not sure about that either.
These types of posts always get so spicy, and not in a fun way.
Too busy playing WoW. Ain’t nobody got time for that…
Maybe because they are getting advice from other men how to trick a girl into giving them sex, this why alot look to pickup artist, it involves manipulation and tricks. They got so used to it, they don’t even ask people
So… Over the phone doesn’t count? Texting doesn’t count? Email? Those don’t count? I would think that in this day and age texting would be the normal way to ask a girl out for a first date.
You know it’s REALLY hard for someone not super social to ask a girl out in person. I’m 50 and i think I’ve never asked a girl out for a first date in person… But then again, I am an introverted nerd so that’s probably to be expected. Hell, I asked the girl I ended up marrying out over email…
For what reason would men randomly approach women? Women online have made it clear that doing so results in being made fun of, that women hate the features of testosterone-having men, and they’ve made it clear there is a long list of “icks” that you can’t have.
The only dating i do is within the circles of friends.
Currently working on an absolute package, btw. Funny, fun, beautiful, sheeeeeesh.
The heart flutters at the thought.Well, we need referrals from friends to know men are safe. Even then i take it with a grain of salt
deleted by creator
deleted by creator
I assume years of collectively crying about it online has made something as simple and natural like dating seem like this unachievable task.
Not sure if it’s just me, but I feel like young people are less capable than ever to socialise. I thought I was a social pariah, but I don’t have shit on some people out there.
I think a big part of it is online dating is just how it’s done these days.
But yes, we’ve done a great job of over-complicating something as simple as human interaction.
I think so too. Online dating is just too convenient. It’s easier to arrange a date while playing video games than going into a club or other places you don’t like to begin with. I won’t lament those places dying out. Fuck them, never felt comfortable there.
But online dating should have made things easier not worse. Then again those sites aren’t free of blame too.
The problem with online dating sites is that they have the wrong incentive. They want to make money, not bring people together into lasting relationships.
In stark contrast to pubs and nightclubs
Pubs make just as much money if you’re in a relationship or not. The motivation is to sell you alcohol they don’t care about your relationship status.
Fair point.
Also, I agree the profit incentive is a huge problem.
The difference is that pubs and nightclubs are not exclusively for people who are looking to meet other people. People go there with friends, to have a good time. Not so much with online dating sites.
I’ve never understood the appeal of meeting people at bars. If you want to build a relationship with someone, why not do it with someone you already know? Ask out a coworker or classmate or something. Why approach random people in bars purely based on their appearance?
Because there is a very real sentiment called “Don’t shit where you eat.” I learned it the hard way in two different workplaces. In the first one, we broke up and it ruined the work environment. In the second, the ‘no’ was expanded to HR complaints and lawsuits, again ruining the work environment. Knowing someone has (or had) romantic interest in you can be a pain, and it can definitely blow up a working relationship.
Because it’s a social environment. You don’t go purely on appearance usually, you see someone interesting, start chatting, maybe you flirt a bit and if the vibes are right you move forward. If anything it’s far less appearance focused than the apps where it’s a picture and a bio and not interaction.
As for why not coworkers and classmates and such, it’s fine if flirtation is happening. But to a certain degree it’s shitting where you eat. People have professional and to a lesser degree academic personas that are less who they really are than their social personas.
Expanding your pool of potential mates increases the chance of finding a mate.
And then there are people like me, who don’t have the biggest friend group and it’s predominantly male. And my workplace is also highly male dominated. So I don’t have any women that I know that I could ask out.
pubs and nightclubs have limited tools for deciding who can interact with who, in comparison. No idea if that makes them work any better for matchmaking though.
I’m actually surprised no one has made an open source solution. Probably because of all of the complexity of moderating a system like that.
It would be a sausage fest
There’s one, Alovoa.
I was a complete social reject in middle and high school so I don’t even know how to people but I just assumed that was just me and my miserable circumstances apparently a lot of people have the same problem?
Same, I struggle with people. I think it’s just that our kind of people are more active online.
There’s no third places where you can just loiter.
From what I’ve seen/heard, it’s not specifically the ‘crying.’ It’s a general effect from online life. Online activities are much, much easier than in person. Want to feel a connection to someone? Here’s vloggers, talking straight at you in painfully earnest tones about everything in their life. Want someone to entertain you? Here’s half a dozen companies fighting to be the one you turn to. Hungry? Forget cooking. Here’s delivery options from everywhere. Horny? Porn! It’s all a click away and you don’t even need to put on pants. If getting a need met enough to get you to tomorrow takes no effort, many people aren’t going to put in the work to get, not even a guarantee, but only a chance at something better.
Well when men keep hearing “don’t approach us”, we shouldn’t be shocked when men don’t approach people.
Step 1- be attractive.
- Step 1. Be courteous
- Step 2. Interact with people in general
- Step 3. Ask our the people you’re genuinely interested in, and feel you have some kind of connection with, respectfully, knowing rejection is okay
Repeat until you get a date.
Being attractive helps a lot. Obviously. But you can put effort into your appearance. More than anything your personality is the thing that will get you a date.
Having tried Tinder 12 years ago, once, around the time I became an adult, why you’d choose it over asking people out in real life is beyond me. Especially if you’re not very attractive.
The meta is all off haha
Step 2 - don’t be unattractive.
I’m at 0/2 so far are there any more steps?
Get a dog or cat or both.
Step 3 - Repeat Step 1.
Be rich
Just be funny and not a piece of shit. My wife is so gorgeous, people immediately know I have a good sense of humor and I’m supportive. I’m certainly not rich.
Granted, this is not a good approach for the apps. You need to be able to sell yourself in person. Best dating strategy in this case is making many friends, and some of them will be charmed into attraction. If I were dating, speed dating would probably be workable for this approach.
If there is one thing the internet has overwhelmingly seceded at it’s convincing people that looks are absolutely everything. A lot of people I know tend to take their dating app experience as solid evidence of their romantic inaptitude. Even when it’s all too well known they are scams designed to keep you on their platform for as long as possible.
I know that preaching about stepping up to women may feel like the same way as saying: “Just be attractive, bro.” And if it does, to that I say: Do it and practise it for the sake of it. “That looks like a nice person, let’s find out what they’re about, for no damn reason at all.”
Anyway, my two cents. And if it helps whenever you’re scared of striking up a conversation just keep in mind: “The alternative is dating apps.”
At the same time, lots of men are really shitty when they “approach” women.
“Don’t approach us” is a response to men’s behaviour, not the other way around.
So yeah don’t approach women, got it.
Very incel-y, but sure.
Or, you could take it as a statement with the subtext that it clearly has, which is “dont approach us if youre going to be an asshole.”
If you would rather stew in bitterness than adjust to the above, the first option is likely better for everyone.
I think if women meant that they would say it instead of “never approach women”
Blaming men for listening to women is some new level of crazy
Your inability to understand nuance might be part of the problem. Having to explain every single exception spelled out literally takes too long to get the guy acting creepy away from them.
You haven’t explained anything, you just keep shitting out the same response hoping you’ll shame me into going away.
Yeah, because you’re drowning in self-pity instead of understanding that men are the problem in the vast majority of cases. You’re bitching around instead, that’s typical incel behavior.
You can go up to a woman and flirt with her - just don’t be an asshole and accept a “no” without crying or further harassing her ;) It’s really not hard. Most appreciate it.
So option 1 I guess.
Way to be mad at 4 billion people because you dont want to be a decent human being.
Cry me a river. I’ve never heard a women say “don’t approach me”, but I’ve heard many say “don’t be a douche” and “stop thinking you’re a fucking victim”.
You already forgot the bear in the woods?
Apparently you already forgot their reasoning behind it. A bear is a known quantity. Humans can lie to gain your trust, then turn on you. They weren’t saying all men are bad, they were saying that meeting a stand man alone in the woods - you have no idea how this person will act.
IDK women are not scared of me. Maybe the problem is you? Maybe you’re not the victim you think you are and you’re just an ass?
These guys are forgetting that you were the only man that they would prefer over the bear.
Congratulations
Geez you incels are stupid. Between victims like you and wannabe “alpha males” who wanna jerk one another, I agree mens are now a bunch of losers who wont ever get laid.
Get ratiod incel
I thought about it and you’re right, you’re a victim. Women are bad, just don’t approach them and find other dudes likes you to hang out. Good luck.
deleted by creator
women are not scared of me
So you’re a pathetically tiny and weak man let, or you’re just unaware of the feelings of women?
You’re not a man, you’re a victim lol. Get use to porn.
The fact that yall are still this mad about this just proves that the entire point behind the thought experiment is right.
The bear metaphor was obviously thinly veiled racism/xenophobia from the start. Lots of conservative/moderate women who are terrified of anyone who isn’t white or who is “illegal”
That’s…just no. Wtf? No.
Source: I’ve actually listened to women, in person, describe their reasoning, instead of making up my own justification for something like the incel community decided to do.
The goal was to increase fear of the “other” - which is a classic right wing tactic.
The bear meme was a conservative astroturfed campaign to push people right - which is why it appeared shortly before the 2024 US elections
This is very tinfoil hatty
That’s like 10 whole new levels of not getting it
The goal was to increase fear of the “other” - which is a classic right wing tactic.
The bear meme was a conservative astroturfed campaign to push people right - which is why it appeared shortly before the 2024 US elections
I keep saying this cause it’s a take a lot of people gloss over. I haven’t dated in a while because I’m too broke to add anything else to my budget, dive bars included. Dating takes time and money, and if I get more of either, I’m using it to better my situation before thinking about dating.
In a time where real wealth is dwindling for most young men, I can imagine I’m not alone on this.
Going through the same problem, I was in uni during COVID, when it hit many things in my life changed or left so I shut down and unfortunately couldn’t complete my degree in the end. Now I’m just job hunting and rebuilding and while I do feel pretty lonely at times, I realise I can’t even consider talking to a girl romantically until I can rebuild myself (my own choice). Luckily I have this close female friend who i can talk to makes me feel a little less alone
Life advice from an old’ish dude: find a girl when you are broke. She will always love you, not the money. She will also love you in hardship and she won’t care if you go for a walk or watch Netflix because it’s cheaper. :)
Men don’t want to be branded ‘creepy’ and women have constantly stated they want to be left alone. Men listened.
Every time I see an article like this I think who fucking cares? Like what’s going on with men? Its a generational and cultural thing its not men’s fault. Dating sucks, people get rejected in ultra harsh ways, sometimes being filmed and then posted on social media for trying to ask someone out. If I was in the age range to be dating I wouldn’t bother.
It’s a problem to have so many single, disaffected men out there
Might be a good time to downplay the importance of a relationship for a happy life then instead of trying to push the message that your life sucks if you don’t have one.
Maybe being alone works for some people, but the desire for intimate relationships is a biological drive in human beings
My point was that making people feel worse about their situation likely won’t improve the outcome. People either would be happy without a partner or they won’t and those who won’t don’t need an external push to try to find a partner and both groups might feel worse if they are publicly branded a failure for not having a partner.
Yup and it’s a problem that only becomes worse over time
The first rule of…
Dude, you’re not supposed to talk about Fight Club.
Talk about what now?
how do you know they are disaffected. Maybe they are single and just fine with it.
“Influence” numbers of Andrew Tate & Musk says otherwise. I’m also assuming a large following of those two are unhappy single men.
We all know that isn’t true
Women might care?
Then perhaps we should expect changes/shifts in women’s behavior to bridge the gap?
I don’t think that cultural evolution is happening - look at Bumble, which had its premise/differentiation with women making the “first move.” They eventually had to nix the feature, because…women didn’t want to make the first move; they wanted to be pursued. Meanwhile, apps in general are just a minefield of emotional rejection, while Corporate ownership drags men through the muck as long as possible to get those $$$. So most men simply stop using apps and simply wait for some kind of IRL meet-cute. And that sparingly happens in a society that has very, very few places for non-commercial social overlap.
Commercial dating apps are a failed idea. We need something better
4chan funded their own dating app. It was alright.
Like approaching women?
Then they get to step up and approach men for a change.
well then they should step up and start asking people out instead of waiting for guys to do it.
people get rejected in ultra harsh ways, sometimes being filmed and then posted on social media for trying to ask someone out.
Are you sure this isn’t exaggerating it a little? This may be anecdotal but I have never dealt with any such harsh rejection within my social circles (neither have my associates). What I’m trying to get at is that there may be a vocal minority that gets a lot of online attention.
Then again if thousands upon thousands of people see such a post (like on say r/Tinder) and take it as a common phenomenon it would still have the same effect.
Really the fear of it happening is enough. All you have to do is have it happen once, or know someone that it happened to, or see a video of it for that to scare you off of even trying.
That sounds like an irrational fear if you ask me. Like with fear of flying.
Honestly, I get it’s a green text, but this is pretty easily explained. First off: dating is fucking expensive, and unfortunately standard gender roles means the dude foots the bill most of the time. Yes times are changing, but that’s still pretty standard. Pair that with the fact that dudes usually have to make the first move (again, old gender standards) and the fact that social media adds another layer of risk of being ridiculed or making someone viral because they were ‘crimge’ or ‘gave the girl the ick’ and it’s a pretty stacked deck. Hell, point one is such a strong weigh in that it’s enough to explain all of it. People are more broke than ever, and if dating by default involves going out, well guess that date isn’t going to happen.
First off: dating is fucking expensive, and unfortunately standard gender roles means the dude foots the bill most of the time.
Not an excuse for most Lemmy users. Most American Lemmy users make far more than the average American. I have seen Lemmy users legit bitch that they only make $80K a year. That’s more than I ever made a year in my entire working life. And I never had a problem dating.
It’s a personality issue, not a money issue.
