I saw that other post about worst dates and honestly can’t relate since I’ve never dated anyone, I just wanted to know if I was the only one here. That’s it, you don’t have to go deeper if you don’t want to
adhd, bullied endlessly since grade school, chronically ill, that chronic illness was unknown therefore mismanaged til high school, intense anxiety, general fear of people…
I’m sure there’s more reasons, but those are the ones that come to mind
I’ve been on 2 first dates and quickly found out that I’m ace. One of them tried to kiss me (was very polite, not creepy, or handsy, so not blaming the guy) but I was mortified. I didn’t know what to do so I froze and just made it so uncomfortable. I also felt uncomfortable to be fair. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, if it was going well, what to say, what I should pay, what I should talk about, etc. It was just really stressful for me and I haven’t done it since. I wanna say that was about a decade ago, once I left college. And these two dates were my first dates period, as well as my last.
EDIT: I’m also obese, very tall, and unattractive. So no one has asked me out since those two, so it’s not like I’m dodging dick on the daily.
Because since my early teens I had to babysit 2 adults in a loveless marriage. My mother is the most vicious human I personally know. She is the definition of a sociopath and narcissist. Every day of my life has felt like being on the receiving end of a Karen’s tantrum. Of course nobody knows about that, because the second a 3rd party like a friend or a stranger enters the situation, she acts like an angel with all the nice smiles and politeness we never get to see. My father is on one hand afraid of her and on the other hand still stuck in the fantasy of having a functioning and traditional family. I can’t leave them alone, because somebody will literally die if I do. We already had arguments where police had to get involved, and guess on which side the police ended up being on? After those particularly bad arguments I literally had to cook my own food or order take-out because I didn’t want to find out what mashed potatoes with fertilizer or rat poison tastes like. I have to be there and act as a witness to every argument because my mother already has shown that she will confidently twist reality to present herself as a victim to authorities. My father isn’t exactly a saint either so she has enough to hold legaly over his head.
My mother has completely ruined any woman’s image in my eyes. You know how most men end up with a woman that resembles their mother? Well, I’m so afraid of this happening that every time I meet another girl my brain goes on high alert looking for any similarities. And I always find some, which completely shuts me down emotionally towards this person. That’s how it’s been all my life. Now I’m to old to be in my first real relationship, because partners expect you to be reasonably well put together and emotionally stable, which I am not. I’ve long accepted my fate of life long loneliness as long I can keep my family drama contained.
I’m what would generally be described as ‘damaged goods’. That’s why I voluntarily keep myself far away from women. On that note though, I’m great with men, I can meet a total stranger and have him belly laughing and inviting me to their birthday party within the first 20 minutes. I treat women exactly the same, but they neither share a man’s humor, nor their common interests. Which works great for me, because I don’t have to show any romantic interest, neither does a woman ever see me in a romantic way. I get along ‘OK’ with women and that’s enough for me to make it through the day. Not that it really matters, as of this writing, the last time I’ve had an eye-to-eye with a woman (excluding cashiers, receptionists or my mother) was maybe a month ago.
It’s not like I’m completely numb to affectionate emotions. I still feel the effects of loneliness and isolation like anybody else would. But well… it is what it is. If anything, I try to educate my married friends on a relationships effect on a child’s development before they decide to have any themselves. Preventing a single child from going through the same shit I have to experience daily, is for me already a life well lived.
If there’s one thing I could say to my younger self it would be ‘I’m sorry this happened to you.’
Genuine question, why not just walk away?
Like, it doesn’t solve the mental issues you’re already dealing with because of the years of trauma, but like, it seems like step one of healing would be to remove yourself from the situation, no?
Like, tell your dad he should probably get out, because you’re not gonna be there to play witness to keep him out of jail anymore, and then pop deuces?
People suck.
I m so fucking shy and introverted. And so I prefer introverted people ,so, that’s difficult to find.
I feel that could be fixed with an app …
Aaaaaand it’s flooded with ads and trolls.
I used to be the same. I was actually okay when I was drunk so I used to be quite good and going to clubs and picking up women but in the normal grown-up world I was useless. I’m married now though, so there’s hope.
Well the thing is that I don’t like alcohol and I don’t like the idea of being drunk
I used to be exactly like you. My social battery died way too quick and I hated going anywhere. No interest in alcohol or getting drunk at all. But the thing is, if you don’t go anywhere or talk to anyone, you end up missing out on so many cool things. That unfortunately took me way too long to realize.
You kinda just gotta force yourself to go out and get used to it via exposure therapy. It absolutely sucks at first, but keep at it. It gets better. Having friends to go out with helps a ton, but I’m also at the point where I’m starting to get comfortable doing things by myself too. Doing that helps a ton with meeting new people.
I still don’t like alcohol, but it also helps me to be more social too. That in turn helps me get more comfortable with socializing in general. You don’t have to overdo it and get drunk, just enough to take the edge off and relax more. It’s a genuinely really helpful crutch at times.
I know it’s easy to disregard advice like this. I’ve done it plenty of times. But trust me, it’s worth it. Don’t rush, take your time, and you’ll get there eventually. I believe in you
And that’s the problem for many, we just don’t have friends, we don’t connect with anyone, social activities just ruin my day, I don’t have a job and forcing myself at being more “normal” feels like a job. Is not natural. I wish people would understand me and some girl would just synch with me under those conditions, because I can be cuddly and likeable enough with one person. But I know that is not going to happen.
It’s definitely not a natural feeling, and I totally get what you mean about it feeling like a job. I still struggle with it sometimes myself. I literally have to play mind games with myself to force myself to go out at times.
The unfortunate thing is, if you don’t try at all, you’re not going to get better. Like I said, it’ll be rough at first. You’ll feel super uncomfortable and want to run back to the safety of your solitude. But you have to push through it, or you’ll end up stuck where you are.
Mental health access is not great, but if you have an option to speak with a therapist, that may be a good first step if you need a helpful push
Yeah I’m not going to get better. Like you said, it is unfortunate.
In fact I have like two REAL friends (very close since forever ) who have the same hobbies than me. I m very creative ( I have adhd ) and focused on my hobbies , I have way to much of them so it took all my time, I’m with my friends all the time(IRL or on vocal). But yeah would also love to meet peoples, if they are a little nerd.
That’s awesome dude, and like, you should totally rely on each other where you can to just go out and do stuff you’re interested in. Get comfortable with it. Start looking for and suggesting things you want to do and see if you can drag them along. That’s what helped me get more comfortable starting to go out more, is just realizing how much stuff is out there I want to check out.
Genuinely the best way to meet other nerdy people is to go out to places where other nerds meet. I’m into like anime and stuff, and I’ve started forcing myself to go to cons in cosplay by myself, and I’ve met so many cool people that way because everyone is just so excited to share in the interest together
I used to like being drunk (helps with depression) but I don’t want to get fat so I cut it
I’m married and have two sons. Didn’t need a single Date…
Never felt like it literally.
Having a relationship is a bonus for me. Not having one is normal, and I don’t mind.
Also that’s like a few hundred things that I don’t have to worry about.
The final purpose is to reproduce, in theory. And I would like to be a father, I feel like I could become a decent one
deleted by creator
We don’t really have dates in my culture. Either we like each other and hookup or we don’t. So when you finally go to the restaurant or whatever, it is with someone you already know and not a total stranger.
But I’m referring to IRL meetups, where you meet people during social events like a party, going to a bar etc (I do that as an introvert that loves being alone, I just don’t go out every night).
I’ve never tried apps like Tinder so maybe the first rendez-vous could be considered a date. I don’t know and don’t plan to discover it.
What’s your culture?
French (from France and Switzerland)
I’m 30-ish, and started to get into a few dates just this year.
I’m not sure why it has taken so long. Maybe it’s because of social anxiety that has taken long time learning how to manage.
I haven’t been on a particularly good date yet though.
Technically I’ve been on a couple of dates because friends convinced me that I have to try. I got panic attacks. It felt that I have to perform well to show others that I can do dating, but at the same time I didn’t really want to be there.
Because people outside are scary and confusing.
Also, I have a fwb and it would be awkward to bring up.
It’s been decades since I got a friend
Emotionally abused as a child, strong fear of letting my guard down, worried that people hate me, convinced that I have nothing to offer.
I’m not perfect, but realistically I know that I could definitely find someone if I put myself out there.
I’ve been on a few dates from dating apps, but just have my guard up so much it’s difficult to make a connection.
Never asked someone out in person as I don’t put myself in those sort of situations. I was actually out at a club last night (one of the few times in my life) and I left early, so quite disappointed in myself today 🙁
Archie Gates: You’re scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you’re scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That’s a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That’s the way it works.
That’s good advice, I’ve actually worked that bit out and that’s how I managed to have a few dates.
Also why I’m annoyed at myself for bottling it and heading home early last night.
I’ll keep on tho :)
You at least did something for a while, I’m still at step 0 and don’t see that changing anymore, especially at my age.
