I’ve always made up a person to fit in. Masking has taken a toll and I hate the person I’ve pretended to be. That person is boring, polished, and an over achiever. Since.I was punished severely on a daily basis at 4 years old and afterwards, my true self never was known to me. Only my self who could survive.
Where do we find our unmasked real self after reaching “the big one” burnout? When your braim stops working, you’re no longer functional, and the person you made can no longer be sustained, what do you do?
I’m in my 40s and it’s rough.
I really identify with the statement ‘reserved and restrained’
Recalling moments in my life when strong expression of emotion were explicitly encouraged, and sometimes demanded for professional reasons–i generally was unable to do so or if I tried ‘really hard’ it would not come out in the way others might have been able to do so freely
Even laughing at jokes that I find funny is sometimes just not happening
But its not like a CO2 bottle building and building, though, its like empty pressure, like I dont have periodic violent outbursts or anything. However, at times, I was like CO2 bottle building pressure and it did come out with alcohol which have almost completely stopped consuming- but I also do not have the specific external stressor that was present at that time.